| |
"It's too bad stupidity isn't painful."
Volume 15, Number 3, January 17, 2010
Greetings, and thanks for joining me for another week. Starting us off are a few news stories you may have missed. First, say it isn’t true! Back in November, a Chicago judge ruled that former firefighter Jeffrey Boyle is entitled to his $50,000 annual pension even though he had pleaded guilty in 2006 to eight counts of arson (and allegedly confessed to 12 more). Boyle is known locally as "Matches" Boyle to distinguish him from his brother, John "Quarters" Boyle, who is now in federal prison for bribery following the theft of millions of dollars in state toll-gate coins – good family. Judge LeRoy Martin Jr. concluded that Matches' arsons were wholly separate from his firefighting. Hel-looo! [Chicago Tribune]
Next, we don’t want to offend anyone, so…. Last summer, the Government Accountability Office (I didn’t think there was such a thing!) report revealed that people on the U.S.'s suspected-terrorist list tried to buy guns or explosives on at least 1,000 occasions in the last five years and were successful 90 percent of the time. One suspect managed to buy 50 pounds of explosives. Federal law treats the suspected-terrorist list as "no-fly" and "no-visa" but not "no-gun." Am I missing something here? [New York Times]
Finally, there are messes, and there are Messes! Exterminators were called in to deal with a mice infestation at a London police station. When they arrived, they found a nest on one officer's messy desk. An internal police report reminds workers of the Met's clear desk policy under which desks should be cleared at the end of each day so cleaners can do their jobs. It states: "Employees came across a number of mice at a police building." Action was taken to remove the mice from the premises and there have not been any sighting of mice since." A spokeswoman for the Met said that the 'paperwork home' set up on one desk by mice consisted of 'paperwork that did not relate to operational police matters'. "Some of the desks were so messy it was a wonder anyone could find anything," said one officer. "It got to the stage where mice droppings were found on desks and that's when everyone thought 'it's time to do something about our desks'." That's when one guy found a mouse nest in his paperwork. It's fair to say he was a little embarrassed." I would think so…(http://www.telegraph.co.uk)
The headline: “Man Spells Out Wife's Birthday Message in Manure....” The story: Ask this Iowa wife is she got the perfect birthday present and she'll tell you her hubby "dung good." Carole and Dick Kleis live together on their Iowa farm. This year for her birthday, Dick used more than 120,000 pounds of manure to spell out a special message. It basically says 'Happy Birthday, Love You,' but in shorthand. And it only took three hours to spell it all out in a stinky, but mushy way. "It's not hard," said Kleis. "Any manure will work but the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best. It kind of melts the snow." Carole say Dick's birthday is in May and she's already thinking of ways to beat out his gift. Good luck – how do you beat 120,000 pounds of horse sh.., uh, manure? Well? (www.myfoxdc.com)
Real Headlines Just Begging to be Read: (1) Boy Survives Chopstick up Nose, into Brain. (2) 14 terror suspects mistakenly kill themselves. (3) Roaches, Rats, Then Arson Used in Strip Club Feud. (3) Chicken owner knits wooly jumpers for birds. (4) N.M. family sues funeral homes over brain in bag (AP). (5) Yes, we have bananas and heroin today (Reuters). (6) Former NH Librarian Trampled By Elephant. (7) Trainee hypnotist puts himself in trance using mirror. (8) Bacteria Linked To Feces Found In Nearly Half Of Fast Food Soda Fountains. (9) Edible Sake Bottles Made From Sun-Dried Squid. (10) Maine man, 101, can't save beloved old elm, Herbie.(11) Jonah Falcon, Man With World's Largest Penis, Unemployed In New York (if you didn’t think unemployment was a real problem… makes me wonder what chance I have).(12) Driver, 11, Runs Stop Sign, Kills 3.
Does anyone else see any irony here????? From a blog in www.thehill.com, “IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman does not file his own taxes in part because he believes the tax code is complex (gee, you think?). During an interview on C-SPAN's "Newsmakers" program that aired on Sunday, Shulman said he uses a tax preparer for his own returns. "I've used one for years. I find it convenient. I find the tax code complex so I use a preparer," Shulman said. (Vote for me – I will make simplifying the IRS Codes a priority! http://www.bermansbits.com/politics.html)
Yahoo News reports that second international chain store said it is pulling from shelves jewelry that lab tests show contained high levels of the heavy metal cadmium, and Chinese regulators said they will investigate dangerous levels of the toxin in children's jewelry being exported to the United States. Also, a U.S. senator called for hearings (gotta call for hearings, you know – that’ll make everything all better). Makes me wonder how much other stuff from China has, uh, “issues.” There’ve been a lot of recalls….
Bummer, Dude. This reminds me of the song “A Boy named Sue.” Here’s the headline: “Balls attacks Tory family plans: Schools Secretary Ed Balls says Conservative Party plans favouring married couples over unmarried ones are ‘unfair’.” I mean, really, how do you think Ed Balls’s childhood was? Poor guy….
“If you vote for the lesser of two evils, you are still voting for evil.” (Vote for me!)
Here’s something to ponder: “US Military Suicides Outnumber Soldiers Killed By Enemy Fire For 2009.” (Vote for me – I’ll say ‘NO’ to most unwarranted wars. Of course, with the last several, I’m not sure anyone even asked!)
"Well, a lot of people don't like these airport body scanners. They say they don't like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Huh? Have you seen most Americans lately? Come on. It's no picnic for the security people either." Jay Leno
Football fans everywhere are preparing for the NFL's biggest and most thrilling (sometimes) weekend of the season—a four-game playoff marathon that will swallow up at least 12 hours of broadcast time over two days. But here's something even the most enthusiastic students of the game may not fully appreciate: There's very little actual football in a football game. According to a Wall Street Journal (source) study of four recent broadcasts, and similar estimates by researchers, the average amount of time the ball is in play on the field during an NFL game is about 11 minutes. In other words, if you tally up everything that happens between the time the ball is snapped and the play is whistled dead by the officials, there's barely enough time to prepare a hard-boiled egg. In fact, the average telecast devotes 56% more time to showing replays.
Police in California say a car dealer who repossessed a San Jose woman's Honda Accord left with more than just her car: the dealer also took her 2-year-old son, who was sleeping in the back of the car when it was taken away because the boy's mother was behind on her payments. The woman says she was waiting for her daughter outside the running car when someone jumped in and drove off. Police say the driver was 47-year-old Alberto Luna, the owner of Alberto's Auto Sales. Officers located the toddler a half-hour later - about the same time Luna told authorities that he discovered the boy. Sgt. Ronnie Lopez says kidnapping charges don't appear to be warranted. But he says the repo man should have checked the car thoroughly. [San Jose Mercury News]
Yahoo News carried a Bit that shows what we’ve come to…. Canada's second-oldest magazine, “The Beaver,” is changing its name after 90 years because the title is too often censored by online porn filters, preventing it from reaching new online readers. The Winnipeg-based magazine was launched in 1920 to celebrate the 250th anniversary of the Hudson's Bay Company and the fur trade that led to the early exploration of Canada. But in modern times, the term "beaver" has become slang for, uh, other things, so…. So, I have to wonder what’ll happen to reruns of “Leave it to Beaver.” (Just wait until the Tea Baggers find out about themselves…).
Finally, TBO.com carried a Bit that includes a candidate for Mother of the Year! Authorities say they have arrested a Mesa woman who allegedly tried to trade her 2-year-old daughter for a gun. Maricopa County Sheriff's deputies went to the home of 33-year-old Tanya Nareau after receiving a tip about the swap. While at Nareau's home, a family friend who had the child confirmed to deputies that Nareau gave the girl to him for a gun. Deputies say Nareau felt that the friend would do a better job in raising the child. They say Nareau also claimed she could not buy a weapon because she's prohibited to do so by law. Authorities say Nareau has been booked into county jail. She's charged with the unlawful sale of a child and solicitation to possess a weapon by a prohibited person. It was unclear whether Nareau had a lawyer.
Later.
|
|