| |
"It's too bad stupidity isn't painful."
Volume 15, Number 13, March 28, 2010
Greetings, and thanks for joining me for another week. Starting us off are a few news stories you may have missed. First, manmarries! (If you split that word in two, the concept is unremarkable: “man marries” – just sayin’). Chinese doctors claim to have discovered the biggest case of man boobs in the world after a dairy farmer turned up at a specialist chest clinic in Beijing. Doctor Zhang Lilan at the Jinan Chest Hospital said: "The man is in every way male except for his enormous breasts. He is a farmer and says they are extremely uncomfortable as he has to do a lot of manual work and they get in the way of everything. "He said it has also attracted a lot of attention in the village where he comes from with people turning up to point and laugh at him, so much so that he now has to wear a heavy coat to cover up his figure even in the hottest weather." He says if no one can help him he will cut them off himself and has appealed for doctors to do something before that. (www.buzzfeed.com)
Next, in my “Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine” Dept., a Pennsylvania man attempted to resuscitate "a road-killed opossum," state police say. But this was one possum who wasn't playing possum -- the ugly creature remained dead. Troopers responding to the scene determined that Donald J. Wolfe, 55, of Brookville, was drunk, according to the police report. It was not immediately clear how he endeavored to restore the possum's life, but many witnesses did view the scene. Wolfe will be charged with one charge of public drunkenness, police said.
Finally, No Trespassing! A bill empowering police to arrest illegal immigrants and charge them with trespassing for simply being in the state of Arizona, is likely just weeks away from becoming the toughest law of its kind anywhere in the country. The country's toughest sheriff takes rehabilitation to new levels. Already passed by the state's Senate and currently being reconciled with a similar version in the House, the bill would essentially criminalize the presence of the 460,000 illegal immigrants living in the state. Interesting. Kinda like that sigh: “Welcome to New Hampshire. Now go home!”
And who says teens don’t think before acting. A teenager who allegedly, uh, pooped in a man's car - thinking it was his girlfriend's - was indicted on multiple charges of criminal property damage. Leaving work late one night, the car's owner reported finding 18-year-old Austin Horries Purifoy in the back seat of his Honda Civic, pulling up his underwear. "This is your car?" Purifoy said, according to documents filed in court. "I thought this was Desiree's car" (I guess Austin and Desiree aren’t doing so well – at least she now knows who he really is). Purifoy then allegedly got out of the car and ran west. (www.morningsidekick.com)
It’s not what you did, but why! A 31-year-old man was arrested for slashing tires on almost 50 vehicles in Boulder, Colo., but he offered several explanations, including being overwhelmed by radiation from the nearby Rocky Flats nuclear facility and having been forced by his mother to wear braces on his teeth as a child. I mean, if I were on the jury, I’d find him not guilty (braces’ll do it every time). [Denver Post]
Yum, yum! Eat ‘em up! The day before British army chef Liam Francis, 26, arrived at his forward operating base in Afghanistan, the Taliban shot down the helicopter ferrying in food rations, and Francis realized he had to make do with supplies on hand. In his pantry were only seasonings, plus hundreds of tins of Spam. For six weeks, until resupply, Francis prepared "sweet and sour Spam," "Spam fritters," "Spam carbonara," "Spam stroganoff" and "stir-fried Spam." He told the Daily Telegraph that he was proud of his work but admitted that "morale improved" when fresh food arrived. (from you know where: “Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; Egg, bacon and spam; Egg, bacon, sausage and spam; Spam, bacon, sausage and spam; Spam, egg, spam,; spam, bacon and spam; Spam, sausage, spam, spam, spam, bacon, spam tomato and spam; Spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam.” And that was all before email.
From my Conservative Correspondent, a really unintended funny line ending one of his incessant emails: “Let's show them how we feel about honest conservative news reporting.” Read it a couple of times if it doesn’t strike you as funny.
"Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work." J. G. Pollard
I was in a "discussion" with other people this morning at a site I was visiting. One of them wrote: “’I believe in our Constitution and Bill of Rights AS PUT FORTH BY OUR FOUR FATHERS!!’ Hmmm ... I wonder which 4 fathers she's talking about. Idiot.” Thanks, Lakemono.
Quite a powerful message being sent here, I’d say: The decapitated body of the police chief of a northern Mexico town and the body of his brother were found inside the chief's patrol truck. Hours earlier, gunmen killed a deputy police chief and his bodyguard in another part of Mexico's north.” (Huffington Post)
A Dallas mother is in custody after putting her baby’s life at risk in an attempt to prevent her car from being repossessed, police said. As the repo man was backing out of the driveway, the mother tossed her 1-year-old child through an open window into the back seat of the moving sport utility vehicle, according to police reports. State law prevents vehicles from being repossessed if someone is inside. When Ross saw the infant in the back seat, he immediately put the car in park and began to get out, the reports say. Then, police say, a 15-year-old boy armed with a 12-gauge shotgun came out of the house and fired one round into the air and another at Ross, striking him in the leg. Ross, who ultimately repossessed the vehicle, suffered minor injuries in the shooting. (www.dallasnews.com)
Now that the Health Care Bill has passed, people will have some time to see what’s actually in it. Maybe it is easier to say “I’m sorry” than to ask for permission. I mean if a friend of yours came up and asked you to sign a blank check, you’d sign it… wouldn’t you?
Yum, yum, Eat ‘em up – Part 2. A Colorado woman recently celebrated the first birthday of a burger and fries she's been keeping on her office bookshelf. “I bought a Happy Meal and then placed it on my office shelf, right behind me and my computer. It sat on my shelf for a year as a silent witness to our fast food industry,” wrote Joann Bruso on her blog, BabyBites.info. She said the Happy Meal, despite being left out for an entire year, hasn't decomposed one bit. “My husband worried that when the food began to decompose, there would be a terrible odor in our home. He also worried the food would attract ants and mice. He questioned my sanity,” she wrote. But the food never got smelly or moldy at all, she wrote. “The hamburger has shrunk a bit and still resembles a hockey puck. Yet, the French fries look yummy enough to eat. I never had an odor problem, after a couple of weeks, I couldn’t even smell the fries.” Bruso, who dedicates her time to convincing parents not to feed junk food to their picky children, said this experiment proves that Happy Meals aren't a healthy snack for kids. How? She’s rather have kids eat spoiled food?
Finally, a small, esoteric tribute to some recent losses: (1) “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” (Peter Graves) (2) “Sixteen candles make a lovely light.” (Johnny Maestro) (3) “Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee.” (Fess Parker) (4) “Gimme a ticket for an airplane….” (Alex Chilton) (5) Pingping, the world’s shortest man. (6) T-Bone Wolk, bass player for Hall & Oates. (7) Ronald Howes, inventor of Easy Bake oven. (8) Glen W. Bell Jr., Taco Bell Founder. (9) Donald E. Goerke, creator of SpaghettiO's. (10) Howard Zinn, author of A People’s History of the United States. Bye, folks. Thanks for the memories.
Later.
|
|