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"It's too bad stupidity isn't painful."
Volume 17, Number 3, January 15, 2012
Greetings, and thanks for joining me for another week. Starting us off are a few news stories you may have missed. First, beating the system! The City of San Francisco, Calif., passed "The Healthy Food Incentives Ordinance" notwithstanding a veto by the mayor. The ordinance makes it illegal for chain restaurants to give away children's toys with meals that don't meet strict nutritional guidelines. "This law is not what my customers wanted or asked for," said Scott Rodrick, owner of 10 San Francisco McDonald's franchises. "But the law's the law." Sooo… ather than substitute fruit and vegetables for sugar and fat to comply with the law, Rodrick is simply charging 10 cents extra for the toy. That "complies with the letter of the law," Rodrick says. All the money collected will go to the Ronald McDonald House charity. [San Francisco Chronicle] I love creative approaches!
Next, yum, yum, eat ‘em up, eat ‘em up! Two hosts of the Dutch TV show "Guinea Pigs" appear to have made good last month on their plans to eat pieces of each other (fried in sunflower oil) in order to describe the taste. Dennis Storm and Valerio Zeno underwent surgery to have small chunks removed for cooking, with Zeno perhaps getting the worst end (pun intended) of the deal (a piece of Storm's "bottom") compared to Storm (who got part of Zeno's abdomen). [Daily Telegraph] Sorry, but is there something wrong with these people?
Finally, yes, but is it art? Britain's Ben Wilson is the only painter who creates finely detailed masterpieces on flattened pieces of chewing gum found on London sidewalks. Frequently spotted lying nearly motionless on the ground, working, Wilson estimates he has painted "many thousands" of such "canvases," ranging from portraits and landscapes to specialized messages (such as listing the names of all employees at a soon-to- be-closed Woolworth's store). According to a New York Times dispatch, Wilson initially heats each piece with a blowtorch, applies lacquer and acrylic enamel before painting -- and then seals the result with more lacquer. And of course he works only with tiny, tiny brushes. [New York Times]
Time for a few new (to me) puns! (1) A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. (2) A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.(3) A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. (4) No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. (5) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
People to watch out for: Police say a man in Indiana accused of stealing a car threatened to hunt down and eat his arresting officers, their families and police dogs (kinda like in the second Bit). The Journal & Courier (Indiana) reports that 39-year-old Paul M. Brock of Frankfort was arrested and charged with auto theft, resisting law enforcement, intimidation and operating a vehicle while intoxicated. Police used dogs to subdue Brock during his arrest. Police say Brock later told officers that he would hunt them down and eat them, their families and their dogs. He had a blood-alcohol content more than three times Indiana's legal limit. He was jailed on a $25,000 bond at the Tippecanoe County Jail.
One reason to do a final look-around when checking out of your travel residence: Some of the most bizarre items left behind by guests at Travelodge hotels includes a hamster named Fredrick and an 18-month-old baby. Also among the quirkier items left behind were a life-size Mr. Blobby costume (I always wear mine), a case full of 100 Duchess of Cambridge masks, and the ashes of a guest's late wife. One careless visitor left a box contained £50,000 worth of watches and a newlywed bride nearly lost her Vera Wang wedding gown when her husband forgot to pack it. Staff at Nuneaton Travelodge were even treated to a Christmas surprise when a couple left an entire Santa's grotto in their room. They appear to have held their own early celebrations, and left a whole Christmas tree with decorations, lights, a model reindeer, a Father Christmas outfit and a turkey dinner behind. The 18-month-old boy was accidentally left behind in a Winchester Travelodge, after his busy parents each thought the other had placed him in his car seat. They drove away to attend a wedding, before realizing quickly their toddler son was not in the back of their car. An energetic Roborovski hamster was found in his cage in Knutsford, after his forgetful owner drove back to Bristol without him. [http://web.orange.co.uk]
Maybe honesty isn’t always the best policy…. A convicted felon has been arrested by police in a Phoenix suburb after telling officers that she was hiding a handgun in her bra. Angela Lynn Milhoan is not allowed to possess a firearm. But police in Mesa, Ariz., say the 20-year-old admitted to concealing a .22-caliber semi-automatic handgun in her undergarments when a car she was riding in was stopped. They seized the gun (I hope they used a female officer) and arrested Milhoan on charges of being a prohibited possessor of a firearm and concealing a deadly weapon while under 21 years of age. [Huffington Post] (Of course, if I didn’t say something about a pair of .38s, I would disappoint a few people!)
A Washington motorist was busted for making a boneheaded decision -- he put a skeleton in the passenger seat so he could drive in the HOV (high-occupancy vehicle) lane. A state patrolman made the grim discovery after pulling over driver Bryan Stime for alleged aggressive driving, TV station KING 5 reports. Although Stime used the carpool lane, the only companion in his silver Mazda was a green skeleton outfitted in a white sweatshirt -- a violation of the rules for commuting in the high occupancy vehicle corridor. A Washington State Patrol release said Stime admitted he broke the rules, but said that it was practically a matter of life and death. "It's a heck of a commute," he told the station about his 45-mile drive each way to work. "Since my commute was so bad, I started thinking -- blow up doll, mannequin?" But Stime didn't stop at sneaking into the HOV lane. The highway patrol also claims that he drove at 82 mph and made several unsafe lane changes. He was fined $454, including $124 for the skeleton-related charges.
Some bizarre news from, uh, Bizarre News: 59-year-old William Knowles was hopping along on crutches due to a shin fracture when he was approached by the two young women who started talking to Knowles about his injury when one of the women suddenly tried to restrain him while the other reached into his pants… to rob him. We all know it is hard to react when a 22-year-old in a bikini puts her hand in your pants, but eventually Knowles began to fight back. "I spun around and pinned one up against the wall, then the other girl tried to hit me and I swung at her with my crutch," Knowles recalled. "I hit them a couple times with my crutches." He flagged down a police officer, who found the two women at a nearby hotel. Both were charged with robbery.
Celebrate! Celebrate! January 15 is Hat Day. January 16 is Hot and Spicy Food International Day and National Nothing Day. January 17 is Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day. January 18 is Winnie the Pooh Day. January 19 is National Popcorn Day. January 20 is National Buttercrunch Day (my favorite!).
Finally, New York City subway workers are hosting a contest for riders to rate the level of rat infestation at their home stations. The Transport Workers Union 100 is giving away a free unlimited MetroCard pass to whichever rider posts the "best" photo or video of subway rats to their site. Among the many options offered on the site, you can visit the "Rat Gallery" (link left live for your viewing pleasure) to check out other user photos. The contest is actually part of an effort by the employees to get the subways cleared of the growing rat infestation. Local affiliate WGAL writes that the effort has already produced significant clean-ups at 20 stations. But as the subway workers write on the site, there are many more MTA venues still awaiting rat purges: Rats are proliferating in the New York City subways. Riders overwhelmingly agree--it's getting worse. Aggressive rats are bolder about coming onto the platforms, and have even been known to bite riders. They infest the "refuse rooms" where garbage is stored. Since the Transport Workers Union began shining a spotlight on this problem, the MTA has announced a program to clean 20 more stations--less than four percent of the stations system wide. Rats!
Later!
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(For a different dose of Berman’s Bits, check out www.northcountrynewsnh.com p.4) |
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